Friday, Mar. 12, 2004/12:55 pm

take me instead

I'm not sleeping well, wide awake with the hunger in my stomach and confusion in my mind. The only block of light into my bedroom spilling from a gap between the curtains, lampost glow caught in a yellow box on my carpet.

I'm binging less, purging every last inch and taking little insulin. Ignoring the thuds and jolts of my heart, skin touched by ghost, peeling lips and utter exhaustion. Always trying to find my grip, let my feet steady, but they just keep buckling beneath me.

Another letter landed on my door-mat this morning. Just an account of what was discussed at the last outpatients apointment, noting that we failed to attend the meeting on Monday. At the bottom, where it shows who it is to be forwarded to, the name of my orthodontist, amongst a few other names i would expect. I was shocked, and upset. She knows i've been distressed over my teeth and am eager to get it all sorted out. I never realised she was going to alert them of my eating disorder. I don't want them to know. I don't want anymore stares or concerning looks, i feel such distrust. I'm never going back, they can't make me. I'm supposed to be having the much awaited review on the 31st, to decide how i move forward from now. I feel suffocated, focused upon, and all i want to do is run. Even if i cannot run, i'll hide.

I watched a documentary last night about one of the murdered Soham schoolgirls, Holly Wells. I cried my eyes out. It was so, so sad. Her parents sharing her life, showing how lovely, pure and full of promise she was. That life that was stolen away by evil. Such evil, i just don't understand why? I remember seeing the picture of her and Jessica Chapman in the papers, smiling, so pretty and young in their matching Manchester United t-shirts. Haunting ideas of what they may have suffered under malevolent hands, they must have been so terrified. Maybe one watched the other die, maybe they screamed for their Mum or Dad. Such a loss of beauty and sparkling eyes. Only ten years old.

At the time, almost two years ago now, i wanted to go and lay flowers at the memorial, but the village was too far away. Instead i just lit two shining tea candles in my bedroom and watched the ash float into the air. I remember wanting to write something in here about them, but i just couldn't find the right words.

Sarah Payne and Milly Dowler's disapearances struck me in the same way. I cannot make sence out of it, how anyone could possible be so awful, torturous, yearn to injure children of such innocence? They never did anything wrong.

I feel guilty for all the chances i don't take, the opportunities i miss, the weeks spent at a standstill that i take for granted. Curled up in pity and despair. Whilst other angels suffer heinously. It's just not fair, not fair at all.