Sunday, Mar. 14, 2004/2:55 pm

less

I've managed to drop a few pounds recently, enough to push me back into five stone territory. I've been teetering at just over six for so long, wanting and yearning to lose. Now that i am, i don't know how to feel.

I'm scared of getting carried away. As the numbers blink lower, i am thrilled. That tight anticipation of falling, floating. Yet, my worst fear at the moment is to be caught out, closet opened, lies and cover up's revealed. I can't become liable for suggestions of hospitalisation. There is a sence of dread in the background, walking along the tight-rope, praying not to slip, tumble into devestation. Alot of blame balancing upon me, immense guilt and the reputation of others. I only ever wanted to get better for everyone else. If i was to be re-admitted, my Mum would be in the firing line for letting me leave IP in the first place. My Dad would batter her with hurtful acusations and probably disown me for failing recovery. The doctors would be proved as right, i can't stand to let them know that.

I know i've got to be careful. but i don't feel safe. This has become a test of just how much i can give in, how much medicine i can bring myself to accept.

Yesterday i forced myself have a sandwich and glass of juice before bed, with 10 units of novorapid. I felt so sick, blood sugars escalating, breathing impaired. It didn't make a difference, my weight settled over night without change. I am still so incredibly weak. It hurts to move, my legs ache and i can hardly see. I cannot read small type or see the television picture properly. I haven't eaten anything so far today, just kept down two mugs of tea with milk. Even that seems to much. I'm trying not to succumb to the call of the scales, telling myself it would just be fluid anyway. I'll probably end up binging and purging later, but not a crumb will be left afterwards.

I'm doped up, on resistance, being able to say no. Turn away from food, hunger pains welcomed, deprivation seems easier. Stab the gurgling away with a forceful fist, stomach taughter, flater but not concave enough.