Sunday, Mar. 21, 2004/11:51 pm

upset

I just purged. One cheese roll too far and it's all over. Heading for the bathroom, being pulled on a rope by my eating disorder. I had a slice of toast, sat down, felt hungry, felt vuneruble, told myself it would be okay to just have another snack. It wasn't okay, and neither was the rest that followed. Wiping the crumbs from my plate, i knew then what i was going to do. Screams of no, stop, don't, wiped out with disgust. It was alot, i didn't bring everything up, but it was enough, enough to bring me down.

I couldn't do it. Just three days and i couldn't do it. I only managed one, nearly two. I shouldn't even be updating, i am so upset with myself.

I've been doing so well until now, but perhaps i was hoping for too much. Yesterday was good, i eat too much diabetic chocolate but didn't throw up. It did put me in alot of pain due to the polylos content, but i just compensated by having a smaller evening meal. For breakfast this morning i had a honey and sultana cereal bar, with a peach and pinneaple yoghurt. Lunch was just a vanilla build-up drink, as i didn't feel i could handle food, cautioning myself against an overload. I had a blueberry muffin this afternoon and a small slice of quiche with veggies for dinner.

& now it feels like i've gotten nowhere. I hate myself for being so weak.

And...i want to apologise for being cowardly, and giving in, and making so many promises i cannot keep, for being defeated, and failing, again. Failing, to reach the one distant star i really needed.

I'm not sure how tommorrow will be. I'm not going to venture a guess. All i can do is try. I suppose i just need to take each day as it comes, instead of attempting giant leaps that lead to roadkill.

I am just so sorry. I am useless.