Wednesday, Mar. 24, 2004/1:07 pm

hmm

It's happening already. I don't know what i am doing.

Binging & purging. Over.&.Over again. I'm deeply ashamed of myself.

7 times yesterday, 2 already this morning. Washing every little acompishment away with all this food. I haven't been keeping much down at all.

& i feel absolutely awful. Worn down, tired, disorientated. I can tell my blood sugars are high, i haven't taken a test yet, or any insulin. That familiar sickly, sweetened smell, asphyxiating my sences, nose, mouth, sending me spinning, wearing my resources low. My head is pounding with pain. I'm not sleeping well either.

Pull youself together Claire

I have had another piece of good news though, my poem, Anything But This is now being published too! In a different anthology from the other one, called Underneath the Stars. I'm actually quite embarrassed about it, as i never really thought that one was very good at all. People will probably read it and think 'what the hell is that doing in here?!' Yeah, i know i shouldn't be so down my myself. Heh.

I can't keep on like this, i really can't, i can't keep slipping, i need to find another grove on this cliff to grip onto. Keep tryingtryingtrying. I was going to allow myself just two b/p days a week. Tuesdays and either Friday's or Saturdays, and then slowley try to faze them out. But obviously that hasn't been working so far.

It's Mums birthday today and i know that the best present i could give her is to not give up, and to make her proud of me.

Okay. After posting this i'm going to take 10 units of novorapid, take a paracetemol, along with a glass of cold water. This just isn't worth it. Sorry if this entry has been a bit unclear, i'm feeling so ill right now.

It's raining again. So pretty. The April showers have come early this year.