Friday, Mar. 26, 2004/10:19 pm

paralysed

The fall, so sudden and so quick, as if i blacked out during the flight, from air to ground. Hitting the hard floor, a gloom infested pit, doubled over with fear and panic. What have i done? Legs paralysed, numb, veins clamped, sensation knocked out by shock. I cannot get up, i cannot call out or cry, unable to let out a word.

Building blocks sitting infront of me. My gaze wandering over each wooden shape, deciphering how to piece them together. I slowley stack three into a pyramid, and for a moment i turn away, only to knock the tower tumbling. Then i just stare, stare into space, unable to think through a mental block.

I just didn't realise how much i've been losing. Each little mistake adding up, leading towards meltdown. A bridge tilting upwards, before swiftly changing course, and plummeting into deep water. Breathless and drowning, i don't know whether i'll be able to make it back to dry land.

After my bath this evening, i looked at my fading reflection in the mirror, noticing those familiar glassy eyes. Dead vision, pupils pinned, colour drained out, wishing to shut the world away. My lip has split, marked with a slight crimson rip. Spots and sores are re-appearing around my mouth and my skin is so, so dry again. Especially my hands, covered with a white coating, and those painful cuts that have returned between my fingers, where the flesh has literally torn apart. A body parched, even after glass after glass of diet soda, passing through without any use. I haven't taken a test but i know i'm too high. Over the weekend my sight had begun to improve, but now the view has switched back into this familiar blurry picture. Outlines are particularly difficult to distinguish, objects appear as just patches of colour washed over with areas of light and shadow.

I have eaten so much today. Finishing boxes of cereal and jars of peanut butter, the stubs of bread microwaved with butter and sugar, packs of crisps disappearing three at a time. Even now, i am close to finishing a 125g bag of jelly beans, saving the purple ones until last, soon to be disposed off via the toilet. It's awful, this is awful, i am awful. I have my treatment assesment on Wednesday. This coming Wednesday, the 31st. I can't think about it too much otherwise i'll burst into tears.

I just let everyone down, including myself. All i do is worry people, i am so selfish, i cannot say sorry enough

I'm just hoping, still hoping that i will be able to find that strength again, find it buried or just misplaced. I can always say there will be tommorrow, and every day i will keep trying. This doesn't mean i am giving up.

It took me almost an hour and a half to finish writing this entry. I just...don't know what to say anymore. I hurt all over. Inside, and out.