Tuesday, Mar. 30, 2004/1:21 pm

aching

I feel so ugly.

I've had braces fitted along my top row of teeth. I'm probably going to have them in for at least 9 months. It's supposed to gradually pull my two side teeth into the center, to fill the gap where my front ones used to be.

I'm afraid to look at my reflection. A little hand held mirror was held up to my face afterwards and i just wanted to look away, avoid it, avoid those sad eyes that hide screams from within. I am repulsed by myself.

I can't believe how long it has taken to get to this point. I will probably be 18 or 19 when the dentistry is complete. Since the age of seven, when in flustered panic, i jumped off the back of that bike. I can see how much it changed me. Self hatred gradually growing stronger, eventually grounding my confidence to pittance. But it was my fault, for not thinking straight, for reacting in haste. Stupid, stupid girl, it was all your fault, no wonder nobody loves you, you can't do anything right. I actually remember driving home from the hospital, and seeing dashes of blood all over the road, a tiny voice whispering 'you deserved that'.

Of course, purging will be a problem, i'm trying my best to stay clear of it. I'm supposed to have soft foods, especially over the next few days. Yesterday was average, well i only managed breakfast, 1 weetabix with milk and a yoghurt, before binging throughout the rest of the day. This morning i had another yoghurt, and a nutrigrain bar, and i've just had lunch - minestrone soup, cottage cheese and a small ambrosia rice pudding pot. My gums ache and my head is pounding, even after taken two ibroprofen. I tried to let myself catch up on sleep earlier but all i could do was cry into my pillows.

I'm not losing anymore, that brief period has passed, i am gaining again. I feel so aware of my body. I hadn't been out of the house in about a week until today, and it made me so anxious. I just wanted to cover myself up, wrap myself tightly away from view, where nobody has to see me, where scars can be blemished and soothed with pain.

Tommorrow is the review. I'm dreading it. I know i'll be lost for words, as soon as i enter the room. They will watch my every move, scanning for flaws. Try to coax out answers and revelations. But they cannot touch me, i am safe, a safe weight, even more so after a few litres of water. They cannot prove that i'm a danger to myself. Still, i am scared. Scared of being picked apart and exposed.

An open book bursting with mould, slam it shut, stay away, don't come any nearer.