Sunday, Mar. 28, 2004/9:20 pm

lead

Today has been much better, although slow. Dragging myself through the motions, the heels of my feet skidding along the sand.

I have kept down so far; 20g Rice Krispies, 100ml skimmed milk and a cup of tea, this morning, for breakfast. Since then i've also purged three times, but haven't really binged. I'm going to have some shredded lettuce with cottage cheese soon, and hopefuly a cereal bar before bed tonight.

Still trying to keep up with my insulin. My injection sites are really painful though, thighs especially. Each push of the needle into my skin stings, and then aches afterwards. It never used to hurt this much.

I don't know why but i'm feeling particularly down tonight, sluggish, apathetic. I don't understand it. Nothing has gone that wrong, no great disasters or mishaps. It's almost like a vital piece is missing inside, something i cannot quite place. A strange sence of the unknown. There is a force pulling me towards the ground, inviting me to slumber in the comfort of sadness, where there's no need to worry about recovery, or sickness, or even getting up in the morning.

Walking down dirt path, overgrown with weeds and tragic weeping flowers, a grey darkened sky, air clogged thick with lingering death. Soothing, calm, silent, a familiar atmosphere. There is a track to the right, where i can see fleeting colour, a view of fast-ticking life, busy roads and noise. Upbeat, but stressful, nowhere to hide, no vines or trees to shield beneath.

I stand with lead in my legs, longing to lie in the dust and ashes beneath my feet, and stare up at the sky.