Friday, Apr. 09, 2004/2:18 pm

blah

I played my old Spice Girls cd's this morning, filled this empty house with sounds that remind me of better times. It felt good (i actually just made a typo and wrote that as food), i still know all the dance routines. Okay, i can tell your all laughing at me! I was totally obsessed with them, especially Geri. I wanted to be her. I even put red felt tip pen in my hair once in a ridiculous attempt to look like her! I thought she was amazing, it was a shock to read her autobiographies years later and realise she wasn't as confident as she made out.

Anyway, i'm smiling for some reason. :)

Puked twice already this morning. Blood sugars were high when i woke up so i took a shot of novorapid as well as a small dose of glargine. Turns out it was too much, after throwing up breakfast i crashed low. Feeling very self conscious about my stomach at the moment, and the tops of my arms, and well, my body i guess. Trying to run away from my reflection as usual, avoid it, pass by. Like scraping away thick layers with bleach, i pick every inch apart. I've got to clear my room of wrappers today. It's disgusting, every time i open a drawer it's bursting with empty chocolate or sweet packets.

I spoke to Frances on msn last night. She asked if i wanted to go to the cinema with her, cassie and possibly some others. I swallowed my aprehension and just typed yes, we're meeting at 7.30 tommorrow night. The worry has set in now, i'm fat, i'm ugly, what will they think of me? I've thought about it but I won't cancel, i can't, i have to go, i want to see her. I haven't heard from her since February. During the conversation she also slipped in the question 'did i tell you about my modelling career?' um, no. She continued to say that she went to an open audition and had some photographs taken (for �120 hmmm). Apparently she was 'the best they had seen' with 'beautiful eyes.' I was considering telling her about my poems but didn't bother after that, as it felt pretty pale in comparison. By the way, Frances is the girl next to me in most of my prom photos, there's a link to my picturetrail account via the dropdown menu.

I don't quite know how to end this entry. How is everyone? I'm cold, i need another jumper.