Tuesday, Apr. 20, 2004/8:35 pm

trapped

I'm sorry it's been so long since i last updated.

I sit here cold and shivering, and yet i feel like i am in another place. Locked in a cage of my own destruction.

Body sore and aching, bones too heavy to hold, a mind corrupted with scales, measurements and numbers. I have lost a little more weight, but what does that mean anymore? I am terrified. Terrified that i am really, truly dying.

Eyes that blur, legs that cramp, a heart that shudders, a girl that keeps imagining how it would feel, to just be able to let go.

I went for that blood test this morning, the nurse had to poke around for ages trying to find a vein. She said i had 'tiny arms'.

I am eating everything, purging everything and finding nothing worthwhile in any of it. Mum went shopping yesterday and bought alot of food, by now most of it is gone. I can't believe how selfish i am.

I just want to cry. I need to cry, but the tears are trapped. Breathing through a veil of cloudy air, i cannot lift myself, i cannot move.