Friday, Apr. 16, 2004/8:58 pm

emotional garbage

Updating here proves harder with each attempt. Riddled with paranoia and a speaker in my ear, telling me that i am a pointless waste of space.

I need to open my eyes, but instead, all i can do is whisper 'sorry', into the air with my tears.

I've been feeling really light headed and weak. I thought i had low sugar levels, but took a test and discovered i'm actually high. I was supposed to have another blood test last week but forgot, well avoided it. The last set of result showed low potassium and an abnormal creatin (liver function) reading. Although my kidneys appear to be safe now.

4 purges so far, each one has managed to kick all the life out of me. Apart from the first which was just a hot chocolate, they were quite huge amounts of food. I kept having to stop, rest, then continue, my legs weighing heavy with exhaustion.

And yet i continue. Laying down afterwards, trying to give my struggling heart a chance to settle. A few moments rest and my mind switches back to food.

So i eat, and eat, and eat. & i don't even know why i am eating, and i don't even want to eat. I want to stop. But i can't, there is no way out, nobody to stop me or to clutch my shaking hands. In what seems like minutes i am full, so full that there is nothing else to do besides throw up. In an oblivion of regret, guilt, and disgust. Remembering all that i have consumed, all i have wasted.

These same ideas have become so stale, swimming around in a fishbowl of old water. Spitting up the same emotional garbage over and over again.

I can't stand myself.

The sun was out shining today, and all i did was sit here. Inside, absent from real life. I am a joke.

I hate every word.