Wednesday, Apr. 14, 2004/4:02 pm

in chains

I was supposed to see my diabetic nurse this morning, we had an apointment at 10.30am. I was really stressed out about it as my weight has dropped quite alot recently. I was already feeling sick after a sleepless night of high sugar levels, but i drank as much water as i could possibly hold. Stepping on the scales before we left i was disappointed to realise that it just wan't going to be enough to make up for what i'd lost.

The overload of fluid gave me such a headache, and on the way up in the car i suddenly threw up everywhere. Literally everywhere, all over me, Mum, up the windcreen, over the seats. We had to pull over into the motorway lay by, so i could clean myself off, then we turned back and went home. Mum rang and apologised for us not making it, explained what had happened, saying i must have a stomach bug. I felt absolutely awful, all the colour drained from my face and it is still yet to resurface.

I've been feeling so dizzy and spaced out since. Spinning like a ballerina, yet i don't know where i'm going. I want to black out and pretend none of it ever happened. None of today, and none of the last three years.

I tried to keep my dinner down last night, and i failed. I managed three hours, before bringing it all up with the next binge.

I also tried to take my insulin. Those few units that can make all the difference. Still, i took little enough to know that any food inside me would be discounted, overturned and drained of any nutrients. Glucose blocking every pore.

Maybe trying isn't enough.

My moods are all over the place, i can never be sure of what lurks around the next corner. My eyes sting and my mouth is dry. It feels like the end of the world because we have no diet coke. I need it, i need it to drip feed this intense, searing thirst. For now i will have to make do with diet lemonade.

My heart hurts. It has been pounding with a perculiar beat for the last two days. I've got to go for another blood test because the last one was abnormal again. Showing worrying creatin levels (liver function) and low potassium. I'm so fed up of needles, finger pricks and injections.

I can't believe myself, i can't believe i'm still doing this. I thought i'd made a turning point, but since the review i've fallen all the way downhill. I'm rock bottom. I will never be free.