I've been getting out the house more, and it has been okay. As long as i don't see anyone i know, i can usually stay calm. It's only when i'm spoken to or rather, involved in conversation that i panic. Knowing that they will have to hear this unexcusable voice spilling out stupid words. Strangers are fine, i can deal with them. They do not know me, they do not know my past, i never need to see them again. They can stare when i walk by, with judgmential eyes and dirty looks, which can hurt, but i understand why, i'm ugly.

I even went shopping to oxford street yesterday. I bought alot, five tops, two skirts and a dress with butterflies all over it. I will wear what i want to this summer. My arms are clear of scars and i'm proud of that, i don't need to cover them up. There was a point where i was scared to be the Claire who liked clothes and fashion. I just wanted to change myself in every way i possibley could, in order to suit other people. I've passed that by now, i don't need to hide in dark colours everyday. You can wish so much to be someone new but all you end up doing is hating yourself even more.

I'm stressing about the weigh in tommorrow as usual. I thought i had gained way over what i actually have, the scales verdict this evening showed an addition of just two pounds. I was planning to try and find some wrist and ankle straps to help me out, but never got around to it so it looks like i'm stuck with water loading again. I just hope i don't make myself too ill, i don't even think it was worth it after what happened last time.

I picked out a pretty notebook today for Gwen. It's silver with little twinkling stars all over it and the type 'princesses wear crowns to remind them that they are special 'cos some days it's easy to forget.' I thought she could write all her thoughts down in it while she's in IP. I'm going to get her a pen too, and send it off at the end of the week with a letter. I'm missing her already, and keep wondering how she is doing. She's only been gone a day or so but i miss knowing she's there at the end of an e-mail, note or guestbook message. I just hope she is settlling in okay.

How do you like the new layout? It has been made especially for me by the lovely Ria.