Sunday, Apr. 25, 2004/8:17 pm

For Gwen...

Gwen will be leaving for UCLA tommorrow. I am going to miss her so much. She has been a constant support for me, someone who understands. I am so grateful for knowing her.

Gwen my sweetheart, you are going to be okay. You are going to get better and next summer or sometime soon, we will definately meet. I will get that plane ticket and come out to see you, and give you the biggest hug. Hopefuly we will both be able to get through this together.

I am so proud of you. You have struggled so much, and these terrible disorders have taken so much from you, but they will never steal your sparkle. I've seen your pictures and you are beautiful as well as intelligent. You have a great future ahead of you, anything is possible.

It is going to be so difficult and at times you will want to just let go and fall back, but when you do i will always be here to catch you. It breaks my heart to know that you are hurting, and i want nothing more for you to be well again.

Thinking of you always Gwennie, i hope you'll get a chance to read this before you go.

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I feel awful today. 5 purges, but i've also kept some fruit and a yoghurt down. I took my insulin. I should feel okay, stable atleast. But i just don't, i feel awful.

I'm just trying for everyone else. Trying to gain a little weight for this apointment on Wednesday, so that the added water will be enough, the result satisfactory. The nurse will smile and say i'm doing okay, and i'll smile back with one of those shiny DIY facades.

I've been updating my livejournal alot more recently. I've had one for ages but never really used it. It just feels safer at the moment with the added security of friends only. I've been feeling particularly paranoid.

My blood sugars are all over the place. I'm less worried when they are high, and i've skipped my insulin, because atleast they don't drop up and down, they just keep rising. You don't have to bother, you don't have to care, slowly decending into the grip of DKA.

I don't want to keep walking. I want to sit down, or black out. I need someone or something to stop me. Whether it be help, or death.

I don't know what i'm talking about half the time either....sorry.