'there was a boy

who made my head swarm in swirls

his words like fireworks

through an insecure safety screen'

"Wow...she's changed" - That is what the boy i was literally obsessed with all the way through school said about me. His Mum told my Mum who passed this on to me. They saw me walking through the supermarket (of all places) in my new blue and white skirt and shoes. She commented 'Claire's become really pretty' and he responded with that. My face used to turn red whenever he spoke to me. He was the most popular boy around and i was the shy girl in the corner. All i could do was dream.

When i found out he'd said that i can't describe how it felt. I secretly smiled then brushed it off and told myself it must be lies.

I'm worrying now. I'm thinking 'changed?' So that means i'm fatter? I was thinner when he last saw me? He didn't say 'wow, she's too skinny' or 'wow, she looks really ill'. So that proves i'm too big right? I'm not sick at all.

I sabotage everything that could feel good for myself. I don't deserve it. I honestly cannot remember what real happiness feels like. What it feels like to be comfortable in your own skin.