What happened to trying to get better? I tripped and fell so easily back into this state of mind, i don't even think i realised what was happening, a broken heel, a twisted ankle. It was just one slip, i'd get back up, get over it. But then another, and another, i stopped fighting. What happened to writing in my recovery journal? Taking each day as it comes, every hour, every minute passed gaining me a tick.

It's stripping me down to the core. Every clink of cutlery and china as i prepare my food. Every thump of my feet as i struggle up the stairs with a plate loaded with food, to sit infront of the computer. Every bite and every mouthful. Then comes the back lash, the ultimate revenge upon my body. Afterwards i clean and scub, wash and wipe, until my eyes are fluttering, too weak to stay open.

This afternoon, i needed to write two letters but couldn't find a pen. I stepped into my room, the floor covered in muck, clothes, and used blood testing strips. Searched under my bed, but only found bags full of sweet papers and chocolate wrappers. I sat down amongst the mess and stared for a moment or two, into the grains of the carpet. Wishing for a sudden idea or leap of faith to draw me in. I managed to get through one letter, but abandoned the other, sick of seeing my scrawled words across the purple paper.

I went outside, balanced myself on the step. Daisy came over and started purring, so i stoked her back and watched the world go by. Breezy air, and sunlight sprinkled across each leaf and grass shoot. I thought 'this is what i am missing.'

How did i let this become of myself? Why? Just....why?

I have pulled myself apart, abused and attacked myself. I am stinging, drained and addicted.

I just need a break, a rest, time to breathe. I'm scared that if i don't i'll regret it. I'm going to try my hardest to resist binging or purging tommorrow, or at least limit myself to three at the most.

I've got to be able to do this, and i have to do it for myself, nobody else. If i can't...well i'm not going to worry about that yet.