My glasses are misted with tears, cheeks scorched and eyes sore.

I'm watching my Mum out of the window infront of me. She's walking down the path to get in the car and drive to her boyfriends house 40 minutes away. We had a big argument this afternoon. She says i'm ruining their relationship. He hates me, he hates coming here and avoids it because i'm so clingy and i have no life outside this house.

I don't want to exist beneath this rotting skelton anymore. I just want to turn off the lights and shut down. Bathe in this harsh, blackened, deathly chill.

It's always been the three of us here. Her, me and Matthew. She has done everything for us, nutured my dependency. It is the way she has taught us both, and i think that's why i am so attatched sometimes. Not as if that is any excuse. I have held my secrets so close, and lied till i couldn't lie anymore, i have wanted to be alone, to seperate myself. Yet, i admit i can be needy and become very homesick. It confuses me, i can't help it. I find it difficult because i know i don't deserve any love.

She made a comment that i'd probably thrown up my dinner when i actually hadn't. It made me feel incredibly guilty, i still do, for putting nutriton inside me, for letting it sit untouched. It was just cottage cheese, lettuce and four chopped cherry tomatoes, but i also made a sandwich just for show, which i hid and discarded in my bedroom bin when i had the chance. I'll have to remember to get rid of it properly later. I feel like i should be spilling my insides out, the pityful amount of food that seems so huge, and the evil, the pure evil within me. I am so worthless, fat and worthless. I keep thinking of those pills in my drawer. Everyone would be so much better off without me here.

I haven't binged today. Not once. Along with that dinner, i've had an apple and a 100 calorie yoghurt. I'm so hungry, but i'm determined not to give in. My sugar levels are very high, but i need that right now, i don't care. This morning was good. I went out, to the library. Wandered down the aisles of dusty books and left with two tucked under my arm. I saw Katie and Will on the way back, it was awkward, i looked such a mess, but they came over and talked to me for a while. Katie put her arms around me and i clung back. I didn't want to let go. It's been so long since i've had a hug. I've read, and written, and listened to my new Alanis album several times, just for distraction. Trying to focus on the words, the sounds, so to not think about what lurks in the kitchen.

I've weighed myself twice, only twice. Once when i woke up, and then later on unintentionally. I went to the toilet and immediately stepped on the scales aftewards. It was instinct, it's what i always do. I didn't mean to, i didn't even realise what i was doing until there was no way back. It wasn't much higher, i freaked out a little bit but logically knew it would pass. These ketones that i reek off will make sure of that anyway.

This was supposed to feel so much better. I'm crying, and i ache. This isn't relief, the pain hasn't softened, it's still as raw as ever.