How an earth am i going to fill this white space? A blank stretch of canvas infront of me, ready to be flecked with life, but the inspiration, the passion, will not stream. Look deep into my eyes and try to find something new, something that sparkles, because all i can find is empty gloom.

My legs feel so weak, like they could snap as i stand. My mouth tastes of acid, my skin is pale and my heart is grey. I've just been told i look 'frail and ill'. I've managed to lose a little more weight, wasteline measuring smaller and yet feeling just the same, if not bigger. I'm 5 pounds away from my lowest, have been settled here for a few days, and it just doesn't seem real. The numbers are too small for someone so heavy.

The leaves are opening into ribbons of yellow and bright green colour, light dripping over picture-esque secenery. The rain is coming less and less, daisies are peaking through the grass and the stark cold is being replaced with warmth. It makes me want to hide, cocoon myself under the dirt, away from the sun, nearer to that winter darkness. Too many people, too many faces and smiles, couples and skin.

Wednesday will be hard. I have two apointments. One in the morning with Yvonne, which i can't get out of this time. Then in the afternoon, i have to see the adult diabetic consultant. I've been moved over from the child service now i'm 17. As usual the schemes are running through my head, what i'll do, how i'll do it, obscure the pain, paint it over with ideals. I don't know if i have the energy for any of it.

My GP wants to put me on another course of anti-depressents. I saw her on Friday, took Mum who tried to explain how low i've been, aside from the eating problems. It's pathetic, but i knew that if i went alone i wouldn't tell her, i'd lie, say i was fine. She's going to check it out properly first, and make sure the type she perscribes will be okay, seeing as the last ones i used made me worse, led to disaster. That was about a year and half ago now, but she still wants to be cautious. I'll give anything a chance, i'm desperate.

My vision is so blurred tonight. I try to rub it away like it's just sleepy dust that won't shift. My stomach hurts and i think i must be high again. I need some rest, but i know i won't be able to do that until i've had one more b/p. Just to make 6 up to 7.

I just want to pretend none of it is happening. Maybe it's better if everyone else pretends too. Carry on as normal, don't stop the music or dim the lights, don't watch my shaky movements. I'll quietly slip away and find a shadowed corner, where i won't have to be seen.