I'm so mixed up, here in my isolation. Torn in half, unable to distinguish how i really feel. Bleeding but numb to the pain. No sound to hear on this side of the glass. My eyes, watching, searching, sad.

I have my college re-interview tommorrow morning. Basically to check the courses i want to do and discuss anything that's needed. My worst nightmare right now is that they'll take one look at me and say i can't go back this year.

I'm binging and purging very regularly. It is out of my control. I don't want to, but i have to. I don't want to but i need it.

Buying so much food, stealing a block of cheese here and box of cookies there, another 100 tub of laxatives. Panicing as i slip another item into my bag, flustered with fear and guilt.

Switching between supermarkets. Seeing the same cashiers recognise me again and again, i want to be someone else. I just don't want to be seen, i can hardly bare to look at myself, let alone imagine what other people might be thinking.

I'm being so clumsy, i always have been but it's even worse. Falling, tripping, knocking myself against furniture, bruises speckle my legs & arms, deep grey and purple marks.

I'm still trying that increase with Prozac, i'm not sure what to make of it. Again, i feel like it isn't helping, but maybe i'm expecting too much? Maybe it just can't do anything for me. I have been seeing people a bit more, in an attempt to prepare myself for college. Well, what i actually mean is i've been out with Frances, twice.

I also went to a buffet, alone, to absorb myself in this pathetic existance. To sit and gorge, in the corner table, knowing it would be the high of the day. All of my focus set onto the pizza, pasta & salad variations, swallowing with great gulps of Diet Pepsi, eateateat, don't cry Claire, don't cry. I was charged at the child's rate which suprised me, how can i look that young? How can i be so small when i feel so big?

While i was in there, two foreign men came up to me and started talking with bad English, asking where the station was and showing me a map. I was really flustered and confused, in the end they left. After about 5 minutes, the guy sitting at the next table with his family approached me and asked if i knew the men. I answered no, and he explained that they were trying to steal my mobile phone which was on the table. One of them held the map over it and the other had his hands underneath. The reason they backed off was because the guy gave them a dirty look, as if to say he knew what they were upto. I was so thankful to him, but it really shook me up. I'm so naive, so stupid, no wonder they targeted me. I haven't been out properly since then.

Ulcers in my mouth,

swollen glands,

the lingering smell of vomit.

I had a really awful night in the week, i can't even remember what day it was. Everything is so messed up. I over-heard my Mum's boyfriend complaing about the amount of cheese i'd grated on my dinner. I felt sick, physically sick, knowing the disgust he must feel for me, the digust i feel for myself. He then started arguing about the small 10 pounds a week contribution i make 'to the household'. I began to explain that Matthew only began paying rent when he was 18, and i'm not 18 yet, but there was no use. I can't stick up for myself, it is my fault anyway. I should be paying extra, especially with my habit of emptying the fridge.

I went upstairs upset, curled up on my bed, negative thoughts surging through my head, flooding my rational sence. I picked myself up, with heavy limbs, drowned, walked to my dresser like a zombie, opened the drawer. I sat staring at the bottle of medication and packet of tablets, i wanted to take them, i wanted to drift away, into distant sleep. Suddenly i heard someone coming up the stairs, Mum, i quickly put the pills under the duvet. She knocked softly and came in, but i couldn't stop the tears. I eventually managed to mutter 'i need you to take something' and directed her to my hiding place. I told her to take them, and she did.

I wouldn't have been able to forgive myself if i'd gone over the edge. To do that to everyone, to leave them with this to clear up, how selfiish could i be? And yet, i also feel like a attention seeking, self centered bitch, for asking her to remove them from my reach. Couldn't i just have resisted?

I never ever wanted to hurt people. I wish i didn't have to drag them down with me, down into the dirt that they don't deserve to be tarnished by. It's just me who needs to be punished, punished for an unsolved crime. For simply being here, for imperfection.