I'll be starting college on Monday. Walking to the bus stop with all my books, dragging my feet along, trying to keep moving and smile at the same time. My lessons will be spread out alot because i'm only learning the two subjects, Media Studies and English Literature, although i should have Wednesday's left completely free. When i was at the re-interview he was keen to establish the fact that they are treating me as a 'special case.' I felt his eyes burning into me, judgmental eyes. I can't mess up, cant waste the opportunity, they are making an exception. Letting the poor eating disordered girl sneak in through the back door.

I am so scared of failing, falling flat on my face again. Really, what has changed - since last year, when i only lasted two weeks before retiring to a hospital bed? I have gained a little weight recently, not intentionally, i've just been lazy with the purging. I told myself i would atleast try to maintain here, around 75-77, to give me some extra strength for the first few weeks. But in reality, i'm already striving to lose. A plan set out in my head, to avoid food, to starve, fast till 6pm, binge, purge and sleep. Just like before. I can't help thinking this way, and i wish i could. I will always want to lose, whether 50 pounds or 500, that will never cease.

I saw Dad on Sunday, he was shocked to say the least. I don't really understand why, because i was never better, maybe he just didn't notice until now. My fault, i probably didn't cover myself well enough. He said i looked ill again, actually used the word 'emaciated' which sounded so strange, like he shouldn't even know what it means. I shrugged it off, said i was okay, fine, well, then changed the subject. Still, he would not let it lie and continued to repeat himself as we had lunch.

I chose the pasta, my favourite Gorgonzola and spinach pasta, with side salad, he didn't have a desert, i did. I forked each mouthful in, a comentary pushing me on, worrying too much. 'Am i doing this right? Do i look normal? Don't mash it, mix it, you don't need to do that. Just keep with the numbers and you'll be fine. Swallow x10 then twenty-one, take a sip of your drink, if you forget the sequence, start over.'

He also picked up on my lack of confidence, how i needed to be more assertive. He asked what resturaunt i wanted to go to - "I don't mind, wherever you want to go". He asked if i wanted anything else, i repled "do you?" When i picked my main meal i checked with him that it was okay. I also got the same old lecture about how nothing in life is handed to you on a plate, you have to work for it, get a good job. And the punchline "Your probably quite intelligent but to be honest i don't see it going anywhere". Ouch.

Every moment left open is filled with binging. I can't slow down, i'm hiding food in my room, sitting there alone with nothing else to do but eat. Drowning out the voices downstairs and events that surround me. Off to the bathroom, throw it all back up, flush, maybe once, twice. It's over, for an hour perhaps.

I seem to always have a headache, i can't sleep and when i do my dreams absorb me.

It's all just So Hard. I still haven't managed to catch up with the messages and e-mails i owe people, those that i love and care for. I'm just so far down, so far in. I won't be called back.

I don't know how i'm going to survive.