I made it through the week, somehow.

Yawning in lessons, eyes near shut as i sit on the bus or in class, feeling so alone. My legs and ankles ache, energy sucked away with handwriting, listening to teachers, each false smile and string of conversation. Trying to take in the information, walk in a straight line and cover my confusion.

I'm guilty, of struggling to keep up with half the amount others have to cope with. I feel ashamed, ashamed of my weakness.

I've met a few new people, friendly, warm people, but i speak in haste, and i scald myself afterwards, bitter words of regret battering my insides. Amy in english literature, and Nicky. Hannah in media studies. Do they know i'm fake? I even saw my friend from last year, Annie, from Psychology, she gave me a hug, and it felt genuine and safe. She asked me what happened and i said i'd been ill and had to go into hospital. I didn't say why, i've told nobody. I must keep it my secret. I already notice the looks certain teachers give me, concerned views tracing my body, imagining hushed whispers in the staff room. Yes, i'm probably paranoid, but i cannot stand it, i just want to fade into the background.

Drawn in smokey tones, i am set apart from everyone else. They move around me in multicoloured bursts, they laugh and cry, but they are living. I am cast aside, behind a glass barrier that cannot ever rise, fearful that someone might see me, really see me. So many different characters, from different ends of the spectrum, varied religions and cultures, all unique. Who am i? Where do i go? Hiding in the library, thoughts hooked on food and the hunger growling in my stomach. I don't want to be found.

Being at home is still so awkward, awful. I feel so looked down on, they see me as a child, asuming that everytime i purge or get upset i'm throwing all my toys out of the pram, causing a scene for attention. It is not like that, not like that at all. I don't want to be a nuisance or always in the way, but it seems that is all i am doing.

I've lost a little more weight, but i expected that, with the added exercise and slight decrease of binges, especially in bulk. I am not consuming so much in one go, instead it's bars of chocolate and packets of crisps, not so many meals.

I really need to catch up on sleep. I'm not used to this. Blood sugars have been really high all day and i have such a headache as usual.

Just got to keep going.

I'm worried that if i stop, i won't be able to get back up again.