I missed the bus to college this morning. I was so tired, just trying to put one foot infront of the other, i didnt realise how slow i was moving. Walking up the hill, my shoulder sore from my bag strap, eyes heavy with dust and near sleepless nights. It passed right by me, suddenly in panic i checked the time on my mobile to find i was late. I turned around, aiming to start running for the next stop just up the road, but i couldn't do it, couldn't go any furthur. For a moment i just stood there, stared in a haze, lost and numb. Eventually i headed back home, head held low, pulling myself along with the promise of warmth and food.

It was 7.45am, the house was silent and i started to eat, my answer to everything. Slow, but frantic, half shut down but craving my fix. Frustrated with myself, with these legs that can't move quicker, a body and mind struggling to function. Inner anger welling up inside of me, useless, useless, useless. Sitting there with my cereal, flakes swimming amongst a river of milk, as if it would make me feel better. Not wanting to but needing to. Afterwards, on to the bathroom, throw up, wipe my face clean, then back to my bed for another hour. I could have gone in a bit later and just missed my first lesson but i was just so exhausted. I bailed, just my second week and already behind.

Yesterday i had to go on a trip for english literature, to see 'Much Ado About Nothing' at the Globe theatre in London. It was such a long day, we had to stand to watch the performance, for two tedious hours. We finally got back at about 8pm. I fasted till then, taking the chance to avoid food. Out of sight, out of reach. Mum packed my a lunch which i threw away as soon as i could. Ignoring the guilt and listening to my stronger, sicker instinct.

I sat with three really lovely girls on the coach, i wanted to make an effort, join in with them, gossip and make friends. I tried, but it was so difficult, i can't interact properly, can't fit in, i never will. I don't blend, i'll always be set aside. They laughed and joked, they were confident and not at all scared of their words. And yet I had to rehearse everything inside my head, in an attempt to keep myself from stupidity. I had dry lips, yet theirs were shined with gloss. My hair was frizzy and sticking up in all the wrong places, and theirs was perfectly brushed and pinned. My blood sugars had managed to peak off the scale, and i reeked of ketones. I really hope they couldn't smell it on my breath.

I'm different, different from them all. Floating in another world, and i think everyone sees that too. I am so distant, a sketchy blemish of charcoal through crowds of colour. I'm completely worn out, i really am. Always feeling so sick, ready to keel over, dizzy and out of breath, my heart flutters and my hands shake. I've already purged on three occasions at college, using the only toilets i've managed to locate, near reception and the music area. Confused lines of writing dotted across my note books and home-work diary, a white board blurred out behind clouds of madness.

I subtley watched, facinated, as people eat lunch around me yesterday. Not caring, ptrobably not even thinking, nibbling at flapjacks and sandwiches, drinking from bottles without the label of 'diet'. How do they do it? How will i ever be able to? Someone asked me if i was hungry, didn't i want anything to eat? Without contemplation, the lie spilled out, i said i'd had a big breakfast, remembering to add the cheery tone of voice.

I've spent most of the day binging and emptying myself back to hunger point, slept for a whole longer this afternoon but i still feel shattered, My brother said i was a slacker. It must seem like i planned it all. I wish he believed in me. Although, i cannot expect him to, especially if i don't believe in myself. I'm worried to say this, worried of even thinking it for a second, but i'm not sure i'm going to last. I keep imagining my Fathers scornful insults and my Mother's sad and dissapointed face, if i can't keep this up the damage will be unrepairable.