I can't stop binging. Filling myself with food and more food. I am not in control, and it won't leave me alone, this compulsion, drive, like a drug i am hooked upon. I don't want it, i don't even taste it, i need it. That scares me, and it can be hard to understand unless you've been here. I am dependent.

I stared into my empty bowl, dashed with milk, where honey flavoured hoops lay moments earlier. I stared at the vacant spoon, and wondered - what next? What now? How can i fill the silence?

Yesterday i skipped class to walk around the town seeking chocolate's, sweets and anything else i could lay my hands on. Set to autopilot, in and out of each shop, always munching, and watching, for anyone that might notice. I got back to college and purged, steadying myself against the toilet wall afterwards, shaking, eyes blurred. I felt so sick, my heart jumping, racing with panic, i couldn't make it along to my next lesson. Pale and disorientated i somehow managed to get to reception, signed myself out and got on the next available bus. When i got home i binged again, and then later i scraped the last two pieces of bread w/ butter, eat and thew that up too. I tried to sleep, but my thoughts got in the way.

Were low on money, and Mum bought groceries yesterday with the intent that they'd last a while. I've nearly wiped it all out already, and i am so, so frustrated with myself. With my greed and complete lack of morals. It is not mine, i have no right to do this. 1/2 a box of cereal, 1 &1/2 whole quiches, a large chunk of cheese, packet of seafood sticks, 4 packets of crisps....the list goes on.

I am terrible, such a selfish daughter. I cannot make excuses.

I'm so ashamed, of what i have done. There are so many awful memories. If only my friends could see me, if they knew how much money i spend on this, that i've purged into containers in my room, kept vomit filled bags in the bottom of my wardrobe. It would shock and digust them, and so it should.

I just want to keep my chaos inside this neat little box, but the blood is seeping out. Please look away, please don't see it.