Last night i snapped. Overwhelmed, after yet another day of binging and purging over and over, i just wanted to sleep. To fade out, slip under consciousness and leave it all behind.

I took some pills, my last 10 tablets of Prozac, 4 paracetemol, 4 asprin, and 7 strong cold & flu capsules, all that i could find. I swallowed them down with Diet Coke and laid back on my bed, waiting in a room full of stars and swirls, a fazy bubble of confusion.

After about half an hour i got up, went downstairs, by then i'd started to become drowsy and my head was pounding. Mum noticed i wasn't right, and eventually managed to coax the words out of me, although i only confessed to taking the Prozac and paracetemol. She phoned the hospital who explained that because i'm an insulin dependent diabetic there was a high risk that i could fall into a coma, they sent an ambulance.

On the way there the paramedics wired me up to a heart monitor and took my blood pressure and sugar reading, which just registered 'HI'. They tried to talk to me, but i felt so blank, staring at the walls and picking at the skin around my fingernails, answering questions with brief answers. Wondering how my hands could be so tiny, when i am still so big.

I was terrified that they wouldn't let me go back home again. Sitting in accident & emergency, letting life float by, gripped with an intense guilt as Mum sighed and yawned. How could i do this? I told myself i never would, i couldn't. But i did. The crash just became too much, smothered with a black blanket.

After seeing the doctor, they reluctantly decided to let me leave, based on the false grounds that i'd only taken 14 tablets, when in fact, my hidden secret was the total of 25. I just wanted to get out, get away, back to safety.

It was 2am when i finally got to sleep, in the comfort of my own bed, after eating and puking once more on cereal and doghnuts. Just because i needed to. I kept waking up, shaking and sweating, and i've been really jittery ever since.

I can't believe myself, how i could be so selfish. Attention seeker. I will never forget it.

This morning i tried to fake normalicy, i went shopping, i bought new shoes, i binged and purged three times, and slept for 3 hours. I was sitting in Starbucks, and Frances walked by the window, i froze, hoped she wouldn't spot me, with my empty plate and cup, tending my disorder. She didn't turn, she walked straight on, i sank back into my seat, relieved, picked myself up and then headed for the toilet.

There's so much to do. I have made a list, and i am yet to strike any of it off. I feel huge, i've gained weight and i can't handle it, i don't understand why. I'm fat. I glance sideways in the mirror and wince, fatfatfat, screams of self loathing thriving under thick flesh. I must lose, i have to.

I have no anti-depressents left for the week now, my prescription won't be ready until Thursday or Friday so i'll have to go without. I'm just so stupid.

My chest hurts. Everything hurts.