The last week has been such a whirlwind of emotions, and yet i have been trapped behind this twisted wire, numb to the feelings. Scorching colours rage across the sky as i stand and stare, it just doesn't matter anymore. Accepting every blow this life throws at me, just another twinge to my heart, curling up and dissolving the terror with my sadness. A test subject resistant to each prick of the needle or next stab of pain, i'm so used to it now.

Thursday night. I'd been up and down every half an hour or so drinking, going to the toilet, throwing up with the smell of ketones ripe in the air and on my breath. I'd eaten almost 1200 calories worth of flapjacks before bed and hadn't taken my insulin, consequently i'd made my way through most of the soda we had in the house. I needed more Diet Coke. In a moment of sheer madness and desperation, at 4am, i pulled on my jeans and a jumper, put on my coat, scarf and hat, and left for the direction of the nearest petrol station. It was freezing, i was bitterly cold, fingers frozen and nails blue, sufferance to soothe the screams of my eating disorder.

As i got near to the garage, i realised the shop was shut, of course it was, i was insane to think it would be open. By now i needed the toilet again, and to cut a long story short i ended up walking all the up to the town center for the nearest open and available public facility. I was sick too, coughing and choking on acid and dirty air, completely parched, dizzy from the dehydration, wondering how the hell i'd managed to get into this state so easily. It took a while to get back, and as i stopped at another shop to check when it would open, a woman approached me and asked if i was okay. She looked very worried and told me that there was a man that had been watching me, and had turned and directly looked at me, like a predator preying upon their next victim. She told me that he was now hiding behind a wooden fence a few yards from us, waiting. I was shocked, she walked me down to Tesco and told me her name and where she worked, incase i might need her.

I sat outside Tesco for 40 minutes, until 6am when it finally opened, stole a drink and guzzled it in the toilets, went on a mad food buying frenzy, and then managed to get a taxi back. After sleeping for just another hour or so, i wished it could all have been a dream. It was crazy, i was crazy. How stupid could i be? Leading myself into such a dangerous trap. I'm ashamed of myself.

I keep imagining what could have happened, and it scares me to realise that i'm curious. I feel guilty and bad to admit what i am about to say. I would deserve it, to be attacked, or raped, left crying in the dirt. Then i'd have a reason, i could say that someone hurt me, cut holes through my life and my trust, took away my happiness, and that is why i am such a mess. Instead of the truth, by cause of my distorted view and the echoes of self hatred inside my head.

Saturday morning i blacked out in the kitchen after my sugars dropped to 1.8. My Mum found me in a heap on the floor and had to make me take some glucose. I was so unaware and can't remember alot of it.

I've finished a 20 pack of laxatives in no more than 48 hours and i need more. I feel so fat, so hideously fat. I'm getting soft in all the wrong places, and i can't handle it. I can't get better like this, not now. It's the fault of my binging, and i'm feeling so down that sometimes i don't even bother to purge, to confess that is difficult for me. It happens rarely, usually during the night where you can drift off into dreams without the distraction of food filling that hole inside.

College. Where do i start? I went into my English lesson on Monday, left straight afterwards and haven't been back since. I had to get out, get away. Mum has spoken to my tutor and tried to explain that i'm struggling, and that i'm on medication for depression. I am going back tommorrow, but i'm scared, i'm so behind on all the work and this weight gain has made me so uneasy. It feels so much more than the scale suggests.

I should get some sleep, try to anyway. I'm having the most disgusting night sweats at the moment, and the nightmares never stop. It's a relief to have actually written this entry, i didn't think i could but i feared putting it off any longer. The ink is becoming stale and running low, nothing ever sounds right. I've lost myself.