I said i'd go to my friends house today, the one that lives literally a few houses away across the street, the one i'm always making excuses to as to why i can't just drop by. Just so i can sit here alone and wallow in self disgust.

But, i said yes, and now i regret it but i can't let her down. She's a real sweetheart, we always used to walk to school together and i felt so guilty for all the times i had to call her up at 7 in the morning and admit i wasn't coming in, again. The twisted fact is that she probably isn't bothered at all about me visiting, but i'm so paranoid and feeling like it's the biggest challenge in the world.

I'm thinking, should i go now? & get it over with (that sounds so terrible). It's nearly 1pm, she might be having lunch, best save it till later right? Although, what if she's having a roast dinner, late, say about three, and i turn up in the middle? There are too many obstacles in my head, and they all involve food. Food, food, food, my obsession, the bullets in my gun.

The only reason i've left home so far this weekend was to make a trip down the woods to throw up when i couldn't get to the bathroom. Pathetic. Dirty. Disgusting.

I'm huge. I've gained some, but it feels like so much. I'm down a notch on my belt, it isn't firmly fitting into the new hole i had to puncture after my jeans wouldn't stay up. I'm not thin enough. I look in the mirror and wince, it isn't what i want to see, in logic i know i can't be 'fat' somehow, at this weight, but oh god i just can't stop thinking like this.

I'm constantly binging. As soon as i wake up i need something to eat, anything will do, this morning it was just a small lump of cheese and a few chocolates as i've cleared most of the decent options out already. I'm so greedy. My body is always calling out for more, an extra slice of toast or bowl of cereal, imagining what i could make with the abandoned jars hidden in the back of the cupboard, or the left overs in the fridge. I'm a human dustbin, chuck in all the rubbish and waste, i'll empty myself clear and you can fill up again.

I skipped college on Friday to surcumb to the disorder, binging and purging the hours away, forgetting the mountain of work i have to do. The same was true on Thursday, i didn't go. I had a hair apointment in the afternoon but i could have made it to my morning lessons easily, like usual i bailed. I'm going on Monday, tommorrow, i have to and i can't have an absence this week. I'm disapointing everyone, it isn't fair.

The time is ticking on, i glance out of my window and across to hers, i wonder what she's doing. What will she think when she sees me? What will flash across her thoughts? I'm imagining the worst. I feel so hideous.

My enemy is my reflection, this rotting shell covering faulty insides. Every word and action that spills out isn't 'right', i'll never be right.