Nothing is particularly wrong, well, nothing i can pin point or set down in stone, but nothing is right either.

The doctor did not help. I felt so feeble sitting there, trying to explain that i'm drifting further and futher away. Speaking in a tiny voice, trampled over each time by her disappointing responses. All she wanted to talk about was my diabetes, my sugar control, she asked about my weight and told me i need another blood test as my last HBA1C was high and needs to be checked again, i've also been given an apointment with a new diabetic nurse. The ultimate punch was when she said it was best to leave my medication as it was for now, she was reluctant to increase the Fluoxetine as i am "so tiny". She tried to read my blood pressure but it wouldn't work with an adult cuff and she gave up in the end.

I told her how much i've struggling, falling behind with college work and becoming increasingly frightened of failure. I must have looked so sad, and so insignificant. All i got back were pityful glances. I have to gather up so much courage to actually make an apointment and stick to it, to force out the words out and pass by such intense guilt. Everytime it is useless, no one understands, but how can i expect them to?

It must be my fault. I'm not worth saving anyway.

& what do i do now? Where do i go? I can't change on my own. The only way i know is down, deeper into weightloss and destruction, further away from hope.i wanted to cry when we left, i bit my lip and held the tears in, attempting to hide weakness. Struggling to ignore the harmful urges that pushed me to start scratching my arm under my sleeves. I know that it isn't going to get better, even if my physical state improved i'd still feel like this. It never leaves, it has been here for so long, and lately at it's strongest. A cold chilling voice breathing cruelly down my neck.

Tommorrow i have a hectic day, starting at 9am with an exam. Revision has been hard, the right information just seems to get lost and swallowed up by the storm clouds in my head. I really hope i'll be able to remember all i need to. I'm panicing a little.

I don't even want to face another week. I just want to crawl up inside my bed covers and hide from the world.