Expectations call from all sides but i cannot be moved. An expression transfixed, sombre, lifeless, eyes set still. Colours and bright lights rush around me, loud sounds and the jolt of busy feet, people moving on, passing by. I am not included, i am not with them.

I went into college yesterday, early, intending to finish my Media essay before the lesson. It is usually easier to concentrate there, with little distraction, for a while i can pretend to be normal. The low hustle of library activity and hushed conversation is just enough to soothe the chaos inside my head. If i am here alone, where the air falls deadly silent, my mind continually ticks over like a bomb ready to explode. It's too difficult to focus. Yet, this time it seemed to make no difference, i stared at the screen, which may as well have been blank. Every sentence seemed wrong and out of place, the introduction was poor and every attempt to begin a paragraph ended with empty notes and frustrated question marks.

I left, i went home. Logged out of the computer and walked away with my head down. Abandoning the plans i'd made up the night before, abandoning hope, giving in. I signed out and got the next bus home. As soon as i got through the door i was binging, again and again, until i could hardly stand up. Surcumbing to the depths of my bleak little world, where the curtains are always shut to blot out the light.

This morning, i had the same plan, to go to all my lessons, to study through lunch, to learn and listen and not think about food. Again it did not happen. I lasted an hour of English Literature and that is all, just to see the teacher so she could try and help me with my coursework. Mum wrote her a letter explaining my struggles with the deadline and brief reasoning why, fortunately she was understanding and i've been given a little extra space. I am so grateful for it.

I wish i could scream at myself, punch cushions and shout. Smash the mirrors and slash my skin with the broken glass, bleeding emotions free. But i can't lift myself, i can't let it out.

Atleast tommorrow is my day off. I have a doctors apointment on Thursday too, and i'm really hoping my medication can be changed or something, anything can be done. I am desperate.

My sugars have been slightly lower, although too low at points, i've had a few hypos. I've taken my Lantus insulin twice in the last week, and to be honest i probably hadn't touched it for atleast 6 months previously, i can't even remember. So i guess this is good, an improvement. Yes, it's good. Right? It's okay, isn't it? Why do i always need reasuring? I'm just so scared, of giving too much, of hurting too little.

I suppose i expect alot from myself. I've never felt like a perfectionist before, but i've started to notice the signs of it creeping in. Mainly with my grades, i feel uneasy with B's, seeing a mark of failure or 'you could have done better.' I am never going to be able to live up to standards. I want A's, ticks and 'excellents' written on the bottom of the page, i want to make everyone proud. The voice of my father telling me "your brother is more intelligent than you, he's just been lazy" and "your so stupid for someone who is supposed to be smart."

E-mails to write. Messages to send. Letters to reply to. I keep noting people that i want to reasure or comfort, but then i go to type out the words and i am numb. I desperately want to reach out and say 'i'm worried' or 'i care' but instead i'm of no help to anyone. I'm anxiously waiting for a confrontation, for someone to point me out as awful and selfish. Expose me for the terrible friend i am at the moment.

I feel like i'm just rambling on and on, i'm sorry. I feel drained and just want to sleep.