I don't know who i am.

I hate this disorder for what it has done to me, what it has turned me into. A liar and a cheat, greedy and obsessed. Bowing down to the orders of anorexia and bulimia, soothing forces that bind me together, pulling me along numb. Stroking my back as they clamp my wrists in chains.

And yet, i deeply despise the weak character beneath. The apathy, the way i stand still. I cannot leave, or fight, i allowed myself to be caught.

The lines are so fazy, merged together with distorted thoughts, is this what i am now? Sickness and nothing more.

>Selfish. That word shames me more than any other. My eating disorder is the only part that speaks first, surcumbing to inner urges, unable to stop and think. In every other way i try to please others, burying my own needs underground. I spend so much time worrying and caring for them, but mould spreads, and my distress cannot be locked away with a simple twist of a key. I am bleeding all over the floor, staining their soft hands and clothing, i am such a terrible person.

Today was Mother's day. I had some pretty flowers delivered in her favourite colours, with some chocolates and a card. I also took her out for a luxury meal for lunch, three courses with coffee and after dinner mints to finish. It was all delicious, expensive, but i told her she was worth it. The card had delicate little roses all over it, with streams of silver, i saw it in the book shop and knew it was perfect. Inside i thanked her for being here. I just wanted her to have a wonderful day. I felt so guilty purging the meal, in the supermarket toilets before buying even more food. She waited in the car unaware, i had to protect her.

I need to get out. The spending is out of control. Tommorrow i will start fresh, try try and try some more. To stop, or slow my pace a little atleast, latch onto restriction or fasting, to which i have not been able to do for so long. I can't keep wasting money, it's so out of control. It will be difficult, and i have failed so many times before. It is such a nasty degrading act, to make yourself throw up, to wretch and splutter as your insides swirl into the toilet. It is painful, it hurts, and i feel it is what i deserve.

I went with my friend Gwen, from school, to see Swan Lake at the ballet on Wednesday. It was lovely to see her, to talk, she is someone i am almost comfortable with, she has always been understanding without pushing too far. The performance was stunning, beautiful poised dancers, slips of pale skin twirling in white tutus and delicate slippers. The air was so quiet, and i felt like i had to restrain myself, so not to scream. The only sound was light hushed whispers, and yet the voices inside me were as loud as ever. Telling me i'm too big, too much, look at those enormous thighs! Held with disgust, jealousy, and overwhelming sadness, that i couldn't just enjoy it, sit and watch without interruption.

I realised i've only been to college for two days since half term. I'm useless. My friends must think i am so pathetic, i am. When i miss the bus yet again, when they find me shaking in the cafeteria, in a state after binging and purging or defeated by high sugar levels, to which i cannot admit. I say i'm feeling ill, i have a headache or stomach pains, i sign myself out and go home.

My teacher thankfuly allowed me a 2 week extension on my Media coursework to which the new deadline was tommorrow. I won't make it, i'll have to skip the lesson and work all day in the library so to finish the project. There's so much to do, i wish i could get my head to function properly. I never wanted it to be like this, but i have become singled out as the poor girl who needs special treatment. I am not worthy of such exceptions, but i know i wouldn't be able to cope at all without them.

I want to shut my eyes, and let it all fade away into the distance. Let this luminous faze take me right back to somewhere else. Gentle, calm, free of chaos and sharp knives. But, i am not allowed that. With dirt covering me whole, i will never be granted peaceful sleep.