9 days since i last wrote here...i'm so sorry, sorry if i am causing worry.

Every time i think i have something to say, i just hold back, in spite of these repetitive words that are dripping with failure.

I'm ashamed to admit, that nothing is going the way it should be, the way i said it would.

Still binging, always binging.
Still purging, holding my hair back and closing my eyes as it all pours out of me.

High, then low, like a rollercoaster my blood sugar levels leap up and down. On Wednesday night i got so drunk at an 18th birthday party, and the next day i almost fainted at college as i dropped down from over 20 to a reading of 1.7. Through a mist of black and white flecks, i managed to steady myself and found a quiet place to sit down, opened my bottle of lucozade, shaking severly, nearly spilling it all over myself as i gulped it down. Mum had to come and collect me as there were no buses for a while, and i was in such a state. It is always my fault. I'm trying to take my insulin, always trying, but at the moment i just can't get a grip on it at all. I feel so out of control.

My brother confided in me, only me, that his best friend had smashed a mirror in rage and slashed his arm up with the glass. He was really upset about it but i tried to calm him down and reasure him, i said that he was being a good friend already just by being there and listening. He told me that the cuts are very deep, obviously worthy of stitches, and kept emphasising that they weren't at all like the superficial scratches i used to make. Mine were usually just screams to last the moment, never too far down, only slips across the surface. I feel triggered, tempted by the glint of a blade, and guilty for it. I wrote his friend a card, just saying i was thinking of him, and to hang in there. But then i threw it away, it was a stupid idea, he'd just think i was strange.

I want to bleed out for everyone else, swallow down their problems and throw them back up along with my own emotional rubbish.

I've made it into college two days in a row, sadly that is an achievement that i haven't managed for a while. On Thursday i have to hand in a metaphorical poem. I can't do it, i'm just so numb. Familiar with the intense stare of a blank page. I long to be able to flow with creative script, to express myself the way i used to, but i'm finding it so difficult. It's breaking me apart, the tears are useless. I wonder if quitting my tablets would help, just to open the floodgates a little.

I saw my crush on the bus again today, we talked, but i am always too shy. Always too wary of my words, swallowing them down with intense aprehension. When i notice he's looking at me, my head swarms with ideas of what he is thinking. Ugly. Fat. Boring. Stupid. But, oh i've fallen for him, so fast. Maybe it's just the way he acknowledges me, the smiles, the way he says 'hey' as we walk by in the corridors.

I am so exhausted, this isn't right. I've gained weight, i am just being lazy. I have no excuse. No valid excuse.

I need to throw up.