I am just a bulky shape beneath a heavy blanket. Draped with a wool cover, like a baby in slumber, but trapped instead of soothed in a dream. I don't want to move, i just want to lay here and play dead, pretend it isn't happening. Don't want to lift my arms or legs, laced in fat, suffocating flesh. A head pounding with rushed thoughts, i just wish i could switch it off, or atleast turn the volume down.

I've been feeling so frustrated with myself, panicy and jittery. Like i could slit my arm or leg apart, just to see the blood, just to reasure myself, make sure that i am hurting enough.

We finish college tommorrow for the easter holidays, and i am scared. Atleast during term time, i can try and stick to a routine, the days that are spared from another absence mark can be held as usefull. I can say i actually managed to do something. But when i am at home for too long, lingering in this destructive state, reality just seems to fade further away. It's too easy to become absorbed in my desperation, comforted by the gentle force of lonliness. A fragile calm that dims the glare of light.

I'm not going to bother to explain my eating lately. It's the same. I try, everyday i try, and everyday i fail. Scolding myself again and again, binge, purge, rinse, repeat. I've been having alot of chest pains, and i feel like i could just be waiting to fall over the edge. Through the darkness and underneath the harsh sheets of a hospital bed. My body is under so much strain, struggling to snatch energy from a lagging life force, practically running on empty. & yet i just can't stop. My voice is now distorted by the presence of sickness, a cold, rotten sickness that clings to my soul. I cannot get away, cannot get out.

The scale is still rising, prompting fear inside, a sharp truth that leaves me utterly disgusted.. I don't know how i'll cope if i get any bigger. I'm at a bmi of 15.9, the highest i've been for a long time, officially out of the 'emaciated' catagory. I don't belong here, i look horrible. Every one keeps saying i'm glowing, looking much better with peachy cheeks and a clear complexion. I know they mean it with the best intentions but i can't stand it. Don't they understand? It's not only about being thin, but about being ill, suffering the way i should. & there is just so much of me to deal with, so so much.

I want to be silent, to walk without making a noise, sing with a soft whisper that only i can hear. Building an invisible fence around me, not only to keep them out but to keep me in.