Last night is slightly patchy in places, i am not sure what i did or said but it's certain that i was extremely drunk. It always happens too quickly, as my sugars begin to rocket from the alcohol my thirst rises just the same, and so i end up guzzling even more. I can never manage to pace myself. I didn't even make it till midnight, i was so sick and passed out, my friends rang home for my Mum to come and collect me. I was depressed, i remember willing to be able to run away with a piece of glass pressed into my hand. Smuggling from the crowd to mark my distress without making a sound.

This morning i still feel pretty awful. Infact i think i'll be going back to bed soon. I am such an idiot. I found out that i am 4 pounds down since, and have been weighing myself atleast every hour since then. My obsession, panicing about the change in figures even after downing another glass of soda, i am so dehydrated.

I wish someone around me could have understood. Understood how much i am hiding, and how painful it is to act. Understand that i need someone to trust.

My New Years resolutions are to be -

1) To not drink nasty wine ever again (the thought of it from yesterday just makes me want to throw up)
2) Get my driving license
3) Lose ten pounds
4) Get my sugar control under stricter control and have a much improved HBA1C
5) Get through college and my exams and begin university in September

I hope you all had a better time than i did. I am fearing another year of this. I shouldn't still be here. It has to be death or recovery, i can't stay bouncing in-between anymore, i want out.