I feel so out of control.
With my spending, my binging, my mind.

I think i've probably been to every possible place that serves food in my town today. This urge is so ripe, charged and seething, i can't think straight. It never stops biting at my ankles but at the moment it is nothing but intense, angry. It doesn't really make a difference what is is, where it is from, what the price is, but i must eat. Three different pasta dishes from three different restaurants, soup for one, salads, banoffee pie, raspberry tart...It's just...awful, so shameful.

I know that most of the people around me (the Mother with her son, the business men, the two friends gossiping and sharing news...) will be having a small meal for dinner after indulging themselves at lunch, but no, not me, greed clashing against guilt. When i am asked how hungry i am later i will say very, just to be given a large portion, just to be able to repeat the ritual again. A never ending ritual, swinging in circles of utter despair.

My credit card is paying - the one i had cut up to try and avoid using it, but it obviously didn't work that way. I rang up to request a replacement, it arrived just yesterday. When your using plastic it just doesn't seem real, a swipe over the black strip and all is done, you can forget until the bill arrives. Pretend it didn't happen.

I shouldn't have even been home today, i should have gone to college. It was my early start, 7.38 bus. & after a night of high sugars i was drained. Education always takes a back-seat to this eating disorder anyway, i knew how i was to spend the time.

My knuckle is bruised in a slightly green to grey colour. I had to use my hands, i had to make sure it was all gone. I don't know how many toilets i have visited today. Every time i look back it seems so bleak and depressing but while there i am quite numb. I just have to get on with it.

Mum keeps saying i look 'skeletal' again. She doesn't realise how good that makes me feel. I just know i have to lose more, i have to be thin. I made a doctors apointment yesterday to discuss my liver function results and ask to be referred for a bone scan, but then slept through my alarm. Typical, pathetic. I will have to wait till next Wednesday now.

I keep having dreams about being in the hospital again, of being treated. I'm unsure as to what it means, but in some way i feel i need a confirmation. Someone to say i am sick, i am ill and i am not just imagining all this. I feel so very far away from it all, watching it unfold on a big screen with horror but unable to associate it with this disgusting body. If it was someone else i would care so, so much.

I have a yoghurt in front of me now. The start of another, why so soon? I am screaming at myself. I want to cry, i want those chocolate cupcakes and prawn crackers in my bedroom. One of my friends invited me out tonight, but i feel to ugly to go. What on earth must people think of me? I am hideous. I want to order pizza. I want to be saved. I want to hurt myself, but that is something i never fail to do.