Thursday, Jul. 11, 2002/2:13 pm

"friends"

When i look around me i see the faces of people who don't really know me, they just pretend they do. Everyone at school used to be so cruel to me, called me names, imitate me, even made up songs about me when all the while they'd still call themselves my friends. I would never do anyhtng like what they did, in return. Everyone knows i don't have the guts to fight against it.

Now, since everyone found out what i've been doing to myself they act so sweetly to me. They even try to give me advice. They must feel partly resposible. It seems so fake. They don't really like me, they can't. who the hell would?

They made me even worse about who i am, some of them still do. My confidence completley plumeted, not as if it was at an average level in the first place. It was around then that i started cutting. They must all think i've forgotten but i'll always remember, the hushed whispers, laughing, the looks i used to get when i walked into the room. Usually, they didnt even try to hide it, they bitched about me openly. No one went against it completley, even Frances used to joke abut it sometimes though overall she was a good friend really.

I know they still think it all, you can't just erase what you think of a person. Recently when i went round to my "friend" Bryan's house i saw this picture on his wall. He's one of them, he got easily involved in all the taunting. The picture had been drawn by another imposter friend of mine sophie, on her computer, it was of me. Bryan had labeled it with things such as "ugly" and "mirror breaking smile". When i saw it he just said the he put that up ages ago, he made an unconvincing apoiligy and laughed it off. I've got it now, i asked him if i could have it which he thought was a bit weird but i dont know why, i just wanted to keep it. The thing is, i wasnt suprised or shocked, i'm so used to it by now. I hate myself much more than anyone else can. The things that they say about me are true so i can't hold it against them for thinking it can i?

It hurts to know that most of them have only changed just so i don't go home and cut myself to shreds. I try not to tell them much, no matter how convincing they try to be. I can usually see through them. The funny thing is i still like them, despite everyhting.

Cassie, i've mentioned her several times in this diary. She really did mess me around, and it affected me alot at the time. She decided many times that she didn't want to be friends with me anymore because i was anoying her, depressing her, driving her crazy or something similar. She actually said she hated me based on no other reason than my personality. On one particular occasion, the time that lastest the longest she said she needed a "break" God, it sounds like were having a relationship or something.

Then a few days, or even a few months later she'd start talking to me once again and gradually work her way back into my life. She hasnt done this in a long time though, she is different i can see it. She has apoligised several times and i suppose she does seem pretty genuine. In a letter she wrote:

"i know i've been a fucking bitch to you and none of that was your fault"

Though i always do go "crawling back" to them, as frances always says. I feel i can't blame them for anyhting, because i'm so awful i don't expect anyone to want to spend time with me whatsoever.

Maybe i'm dwelling to much on the past in this entry but the thing is, i don't have a clue who my real friends are, i don't know who i can turn to anymore. They could be giving me a supporting shoulder to cry on whilst pulling the trigger behind my back.