Saturday, Jul. 13, 2002/10:33 am

blood

I keep seeing blood when i purge, lots of blood, bright red streaking over my hand and in the toilet. What the hell have i done to myself? I'm not sure what to do. I think i'll fast for today and so hopefully i won't have to throw up at all. Maybe my body's slowley deteriorating to ruins. Shocking me is the though that i don't really care, i want it to kill me.

I've got a party to go to later, ahhhhh i'm only going because Frances told me to, how pathetic is that? Theres a BBQ and when i don't eat they'll all come up and lectur me about nutrients and how i'm getting so skinny! I can't beleive it when they say things like that, i havnt lost any proper amount of weight in bloody ages! Even Imo was on about it on the phone "people tell me things about you..that your too thin..you need to put on weight". WHAT!!???? I'm not even underweight at all, or even close to it. No one noticed my weightloss last year and now their all making up stuff in their heads, just because they know all about everyhting now i suppose.

Anyway. i'm really scared of this party. I think it's best if i speak as little as possible! then i won't say something stupid. I just hope i don't go into one of my hyper moods becuase then i won't be able to keep my mouth shut. Sometimes it feel like i can't even control these crazy things that i'm saying and other times i try to speak but i'm so terrified i can't mutter a word. I'm such a freak, i didn't go to that club before by the way if anyone was wondering.