Sunday, Jul. 14, 2002/10:03 pm

drunken mess

last night..

got drunk on vodka and red wine

i was very sucidal.

I screamed alot, and ran around shouting about wanting to die and hating myself.

I kept trying to run out into the road trying to throw myself in front of cars, and had to be held back by someone sober.

I'm such an idot. When other people get drunk they just have fun, joke around etc. i'm just scary.I'm so embarrassed about it.

I purged as well, and threw up accidentily, mainly alcohol though. I only eat about 20 pringles yesterday.

I snogged my best friend! That was quite funny though! i'm not a lesbian on anything, i have no idea why we did.

I remeber katie weighing me. I was saying "but i'm so fat..i eat pringles i shouldnt have" She also pulled up my sleeve to check for cuts but it's not that bad at the moment so it was ok.

My sober friends kept saying that i was a good person and friend and they didnt want me to die and i thought why don't you say all this stuff to me enough?

I wanted a knife, but i was at someone elses house. I couldnt escape.

i still feel sick and dizzy. I've eaten a little today and purged only once and i didnt see blood which was good i suppose.

When i got home i cut myself alot, both arms and a bit on my leg. It felt like the walls were closing in around me, sitting in the corner of my white bedroom, trying to forget. I wanted to paint the walls red, i needed to breathe.