Friday, Aug. 23, 2002/12:42 pm

denial

Almost everytime i purge blood spills from my insides, murging itself with the food in bright red streaks. Sometimes it can just be a little bit, just lacing itself across my battered hand, other times it streams out so easily, almost like water. Im so used to it now, it dosn't faze me, but i never thought anything like this would happen. I don't know what i've done to myself.

When i started purging it was as if i blocked it out, what i was doing, i thought okay i throw up my food sometimes but im not bulimic. It's only when i started reading other diarys here and facing up to what i was feeling that i realised what i'd become, this cliche of a teenage girl who hates herself, wants to be thinner and forces blades into her skin to cover a weak, destructing person. I didnt even know what the word purge meant then, if you look at my very earliest entrys i use "throwing up" or "vomitting" instead. I used to do it when i was like 9 or 10 to get out of school, i never thought it to be bad, then when i started dieting and restricting, when i eat too much it seemed the obvious thing to do. It slowley crept up on me over the past couple of years and i didn't even realise. I was never copying anyone, following any lifestyle. It was just a way of hurting myself and getting rid of food from my fat body at the same time. Now i'm here and i can't get away from it again, all doors are locked, i've pushed everyone away and i sit here in the silence.

"disorted eyes when everything is clearly dying" - silverchair