Tuesday, Aug. 20, 2002/10:49 am

blur

The last couple of days have gone by in a blur, everything seems to stream into one another, even if im with people im still so apart from them. I've been going out much more, meeting with some of my friends, facing my fear of people and suprisingly it's not been too bad. I just wander along with my head down, talking words that don't seem to be coming from me, and smiling painful shards of pretend happiness to soothe any doubts that im not okay. The main reason that i started going out was to skip meals, so i could say i was eating at a friends. It worked and i have been losing weight. Yesterday i eat because i felt asthough i was going to faint and i was in Guildford so that would have been good. It was a big mistake though, when i got home i eat more, and more. Thinking i've blown it already anyway so whats the point? Typical failure. Of corse i purged but i didn't get rid of it all. Today i'm back to fasting though, i need to get thinner!

Yesterday i saw this girl about my age, she was quite thin and wearing short sleeves. She had scars, obviousley self inflicted all up her arms and was holding her stomach the same way i do, hiding it. It made me realise how many people are like this, and i felt so bad for everyone else who has even felt anything like i do. I feel i am the only one who deserves it, i know it dosn't make any sence but i feel so disgusting and tainted next to everyone else so pure and beautiful.