Thursday, Aug. 15, 2002/10:53 pm

hurt me, we all know it's what i deserve.

I'm so sick of how everyone treats me, because of the way i am. How they tell me what to do and not what to do. That they can't just let me be how i am. I've shrunk my true personality down to small proportions that they rareley see anymore, i've become so quiet and avodiant of conversation, but still when i do speak up my thoughts and opinions are unimportant to everyone. I already know im an unbearable person but they still feel the need to remind me. if your friends with someone shouldnt you try to make them feel okay about themselves? Don't they know that i hate myself more than anyone ever could? or do they just use me as the weak person to make themselves feel big? I suppose it does make sence though, their quite entitlted. I know i have nothing to defend, i know im weak and it's my fault but why must they persist to label me as their friend or best fiend if they really dont mean it? I always swallow any argument i have against them down. They never have to deal with any response to anything they say, only moodyness ocasionally which they don't even notice. They tell me to shutup and stop talking crap and still pretend they actually like spending time with me.

No one will ever be able to love me. I'll never be anyones only one, the one that they cherish, and hold tight in their arms at night, never wanting to let go. I dream of it, but it will never happen. I'm just asking to be used, being such a socially challenged recluse. in a way i like the way people can just walk over me and dismiss things i say, i think good for them, i deserve everyting i'm given. Most of all im sick of myself, my emotions, i wish i could just smash them apart into tiny pieces that don't affect me at all. Why am i so depressing? In this diary i don't think i've written a single entry that about something good that i'm feeling. Thats because i don't feel alright anymore, ever, no matter how hard i pretend the inside always stays the same. other people have problems like mine but they get by, some of the people on diaryland are livng such terrible lives but their not stuck in self pity, hiding, frightened of stepping a foot into the real world. most people have their bad days but they also have their good days, I seem to be missing all hope that everyone should have a little of inside them. I could just slap myself, wake up claire. ugh sorry about such a long rant. im just so fucking iritated and ashamed of my patheic self.

Today i've eaten one small slice of quiche and purged it up, yesterday i fasted, i feel empty, but i bet tommorrow i will mess it up, like i always do. I'm already preparing myself for failure and i know that's the worst thing to do but i feel so lost of self will. I'm almost certain i will binge tommorrow when everyones out. i'm just so negative, i hate myself so much right now, I can also hurt myself much more than they can, i'll beat myself up inside till im raw and everything i ever was seeps away.