Wednesday, Aug. 14, 2002/1:19 pm

i wonder if i can find the words...

I'm staring at the computer screen wondering how the hell i fill this empty white box up with writing. I feel like no words could explain how i'm feeling right now, but i suppose i can try, it might help.

My body's drained and tired even though i slept all morning. I didnt get to sleep last night till about 2, thats the average time i lay awake till, 2 or 3am, my mind running overload with drowsy thoughts.

When i woke up today, the first thing i did was greet the image i saw in the mirror with slits up my right arm. I was so glad to see the blood flowing from those cuts, i yearned for punishment, and a way to lift me from this zombie state i seem to be living in.

I'm sectioned away from the world, from my friends. Yesterday frances asked me to go round her house today, but i made up a stupid story about having to babysit so i couldnt. I'm fat, fat and ugly and i want as little people to see me as possible.

I'm fasting again today, because my mum will be out at her boyfriends tonight, so it will be easy. I'm determined to lose weight by the end of these holidays, it's more important than the mounds or corsework i have to complete. I might go running today too, if i can bring my self to cope with the strangers walking or driving by. Sitting in here all day, isnt helping my shift weight.

I'm wandering around in a half asleep state, responding to people in the simplest ways i can. Bothering with nothing really except purging, im a pathtic excuse for a person, a waste of a life. My world is set in monochrome, i'm the blackest, everyone else is whiter, and the scenery is dull and grey. Paint it black, paint it all black.