Saturday, Aug. 24, 2002/4:33 pm

Imo and Frankie

Tonight i will see my two best friends, Imo and Frances together again. Imo's been staying at Frances's and their coming round for a sleepover, what we always do. I can't wait to see Imo, i havnt seen her in maybe a year. She was unsure about me going to her house this summer because of the state i've been in, of corse they both think i'm recovered but Imo heard about the way i acted when i got drunk the last time, and so thinks im crazy. It's for the best that i didnt stay with her, or she stayed here though because i can't survive without purging, and she thinks im now eating normally.

These are the friends i've grown up with, that i've been close with since year 2 of school, that i care for so much, if anything was to happen to them i don't know what i'd do, us three have always had out little group. Though now i think of us and i know they have no idea who i am anymore. When i'm with them i'm hiding behind a humerous facade, joking, having fun, gossiping, but really i'm living in a depressive cloud that they have no idea exists. My conversation is decorated with painful enthusiasm, holding back the anger, self hatred, and sadness. I seem to have fooled everyone into thinking everyhtings fine and that i'm not still sticking my fingers down my throat or digging razors into my skin. I've told them that that phase in my life has passed and that i'm moving on.

Imo and frances are right near me, but so out of reach. Sometimes i want to just shout out to them "I need you too" but i can't, i know they wouldnt want to hear about it anyway. It's better i just help them with their problems, they don't need the burden of knowing i'm this low. These dark ideas and pretty patterns belong to me and no one else, they can never see them.

Imo might not even like me anymore, even with this pretence i'm different. Quiet, boring, unwilling to talk openly or be outrageous. Unbothered about much, because i'm so absorbed in apathy. I'm worried she'll hate me, and her and frances will go home talking about what a crap person i've turned into.

We plan to get drunk tonight too, and i'm so scared that i'm going to get out of control again. I really don't want to start blurting out what i'm really like, what i'm really doing to myself. I hope no cracks will show, and that i don't start screaming about how i want to die like last time. I shouldn't, it will probabley be okay, i'll just try to stay silent.

Anyway, i've got to go tidy my room and try and get organised for when they get here, so i can atleast look as if i'm together. wish me luck... and portia i'm so glad your okay, love you <3