Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2002/11.23pm

Saturday night...

It was good to see them both together again. Imo hasnt changed alot It's only me who's different, they used to be able to make me genuinly laugh and smile, contented, but now no one can. I can feel this huge void between us all, and i don't think they can feel it too, it's just me, because i know im hiding everything from them. We watched a bit of a film, talked, i was self conscious at first, worried what Imo would think of me but it got better.

Then we started on the alcohol.

Glass after glass...vodka, bacardi, i was downing my 8th while they were still drinking their 2nd, they kept telling me to calm down but i wasnt listening, spilling it all over the table at the same time. I can't remember a thing after that, not a single detail but i've been told most of what happened. I was really out of it most of the time, just laying on the floor, or knocking into things, i even started throthing at the mouth I passed out a couple of times, and banged my head really hard, theres a big bump on the side of my head now. They kept throwing water over my face and slapping me but i didnt react at all. I did what i always do, rang loads of people, im not even sure how many people i did ring in total, i told cassie i was drinking because i wanted to get away, i told bryan my life was a mess and i wanted to die. i even rang a wrong number. This woman rang my house in the morning and said i'd rang her at 2.30am. i just said that i'd misdialled, I threw up, about three times or something, pure alcohol, no food. Broke alot of things, glasses, picture frames....

and thats it.

It's scary that i've lost all recolection of it, it seems that we were just drinking and then the next minute frances was telling me to go to bed. When i woke up in the morning and got told what i did, it was hard to believe. I know it stupid, not clever, im not even supposed to drink because im diabetic but guess what? i dont care. I just wanted to be able to forget for a few hours. I had a really bad hangover, was sick three more times in the morning. but manged to tidy the house up as best as i could after Imo and Frances had left.

When my mum came home i thought that she wouldn't notice, atleast for a while anyway, but she did, She found things that i didn't even know we had broken, and then saw that her bottle of bacardi had gone. She tried to ground me. I'm not supposed to go out for a week or so but i can when she leaves for work anyway, theres nothing she can do. But she did make me cry... for the first time in months. she was shotuting at me, and and saying she was going to have a go at my friends, i was so suprised to feel tiny droplets slowley falling down my burning cheeks.

Though i still felt nothing,

I imagined that when i eventually cried, when my eyes finally gave up, and let go, after all that time of waiting, that the tears would flood and i'd feel release but i didnt, it made no difference. I wasnt crying for myself, i wasn't crying for what i was feeling, i was just letting go of empty water beads.

I stare blankly ahead as streaks of life pass me by. Feeling nothing but this numbing, stationary, sence of pain. I'm so unmoved, unaware. Blood can disturb this sleep, i need to see the pressure thats frozen inside me, running down my arms.