Monday, Sept. 09, 2002/6:04 pm

Raining inside and out

First day back to school today. Time to pack up my feelings and shelter behind this plastic barrier. It's crippling, trying to remember to keep up the false smiles, whilst silently crying underneath. When i look at everyone else, even the people that i know have problems, i see them full of success and promise. I'm hopeless, just suffocating in a sea of red. I've always been a dreamer but atleast i used to try. Now that part of me is missing, all effort i had inside of me is gone. It's my GCSE year, but I'm unbothered. Out of all the coursework i was supposed to do through the holidays i only finished one essay. I can't think of maths, history or science when my heads fully crammed with confusion, and cancerous thoughts.

I've lost about 10 pounds since everyone last saw me, no one noticed, i didn't expect them to though. I'm so huge, now I'm back to a routine i should be able to lose more. Everyday i wake up and fake my breakfast by putting a bit of milk and cereal in a bowl with a spoon, and i throw my lunch away at school. I've been doing that for so long, i don't think anyone's seen me properly eat at school for about a year. I just can't eat in front of lots of people, it makes me so nervous, I know they'd be thinking about what a fat pig i was.

It started raining on the way home, whilst i was walking with these shiny talents i call my friends. It's pouring down now, beating into vast puddles laying on the ground, droplets pouring down the windows. I like the rain, it's familiar, the smoggy air, dull light with lamppost beams reflecting down, swaying trees, scattered leaves, people trying to hide under raincoats. Beautiful, I want to rest my eyes and listen to the wind ripping through the sky.