Wednesday, Sept. 25, 2002/3:31 pm

more food

I'm sorry about yesterday's entry, i wasn't feeling to great at all.

When any little thing ruins the weightloss, like those two pounds, i get so frustrated at myself. It seems all my thin dreams run down the drain. I think if i've messed it up already why not eat a bit more, if i'm going to be fat anyway. It's so unimportant i know, but it's so real to me, my life, this is all my life is.

I eat again last night, after the optimism of losing the pounds faded away slowley into the background, I had a slice of toast, just one i told myself, but then a yoghurt, 2 yoghurts, more toast. I felt so revolted with myself but i kept on going, my eating habits can change so quickly and it's all down to tiny things that don't matter, anything can trigger a binge. I tried to purge but i couldn't do it, the food wouldn't budge, all i did was spit up more blood. I took 21 laxatives after that. I don't care about the affect they might have on my health i just need to feel empty.

I get really bad pains in my chest and stomach, especially after purging and lateley they've got worse, sometimes it hurts so much it's hard to stand up. I don't know what i'm doing, but i'll continue with all this, i can't stop, i just can't. I feel so ridiculous because my mood is always going to depend on what i eat, how much i weigh. I know they're are so much more significant things to think about but i can't shake these feelings. They're forever shadowing over me.

I can't stop thinking about food right now. I said i'd fast today, i think i still want to, i hope i will be able to get round my mum somehow. Though theres still this nagging voice inside me, torturing me. mmmmmm eat? no yes no yes no yes..??? I need to stop thinking like this or i will give in, i'm to fat to give in, i don't need it, it will just make me feel worse. I just need to stay away from food.