Tuesday, Sept. 24, 2002/10:24 pm

stupid little girl

Why can't she just leave me? I don't want to eat, I don't need to eat. Though she tried to make me. This isn't fair, i hate food HATE IT. I wish i lived on my own so i could just dissolve away into nothing, until I'm invisible, so no one can get to me. From this evening I've gained two pounds, somehow. i thought I'd purged everything, nothing more was coming up but a flood of red. There must be something left, 2 pounds of fucking soup! I shouldn't be allowed near food, I'm too fat. A hideous waste of anyone's time. I got down to 99, now i'm back up to 101. i must fast tomorrow, i will, and on Thursday, I'll find a way to get round her. I won't let go of this, 99 is the lowest weight I've ever been, I've got to lose more, I've got to be thin.

I hate living in this house, I really hate it. I want to find a place, somewhere, anywhere where i don't have to lie and fight, where i don't have to push them all away. My mums always comparing me to other people's daughters. "Why can't you be more like her? " "Why can't you be as nice as she is to her family?" Well Mum, I'm sorry I'm not perfect, I'm sorry i can't be your ideal daughter.Now I'm trying to reach the perfect weight and she won't even let me. She's always saying there's nothing wrong with me, i don't need to do any of this. Then she wonders why i try to cover it up. I can't win, I'll never be able to talk to her, i see the way she looks at me, as if I'm a freak and she wishes i wasn't hers, well i guess i don't blame her for that. She must hate me, my Dad hates me, he must, he can't even be bothered to visit more than once every five months when he'll take us out for lunch for an hour, he has no knowledge of any of my problems. Apparently i'm turning out just like my Mums sister; "Your just like HER!" is what I'm told. My aunt, the one who's been in and out of asylums. the one who held her child up to the wall with a knife, the one who's been locked in padded cells. This upsets me so much, she thinks I'll turn out like that, huddled in the corner of a white room, rocking from side to side and muttering to myself. See, I'm the bad part of our family, even though my brothers completely messed up his exams, dropped out of college twice, hasn't got himself a job and just spends his time laying about with his friends or shagging his girlfriend. I'm worse, I'm fucked up and I'll be the one to turn out the ultimate failure. I can't disagree with any of it, but i wish they' have some faith in me, just a little bit, just enough to give me the incentive to try. They didn't give my Aunt a chance and it doesn't look like they'll give me one. I'm just the stupid little girl who ruins the family.

I'm angry right now, I better lose this weight again, if i don't get rid of it i don't know what I'll do. Everything is puling me apart form the inside out, purging starving. pretending. i need to cut, cut away at my revolting body, then afterwards wipe the blood from the blade and carry on like normal.