Sunday, Sept. 22, 2002/6:10 pm

watch while i rip myself to shreds

It's okay...for now. They gave me the t-shirts and told me to wear one next week. Another 7 days of worrying. Thankyou everyone who signed my guestbook with advice, it means a lot.

My eating is still the same, practically non existent. Cassie commented on how she could tell i'd lost alot of weight and said i was skinny. There's the constant, foul taste of ketones in my mouth, because my sugars are so high all the time from skipping injections and starving. None of my clothes fit me, most of them are UK size ten and now they are hanging off of me. I can't see it, no matter how many times any one tells me I'm thin i don't think I'll ever be able to believe them. When i look at my reflection all i see is a fat, ugly, shy girl. I can tell I'm shrinking but it just makes no difference, I'll always be fat and I'll never be able to take compliments. So why do it? why not just eat? why not be normal? I don't know. I just have to hurt myself, i don't need food, other people can eat because they are allowed it, but I'm not. I deserve to be hungry, i deserve the bruised hands and sore throat, i hope one day all this will kill me.

My mum wants to see me eat at home, in front of her tomorrow. The thought of this makes me feel physically sick. I've sunk so low, all my rational thoughts have been consumed by this fear and utter disgust with myself, which runs though like a broken record. I wish she wasn't making me, but she's already threatened to take me to the doctors so i can't refuse. I'll have to go out to purge afterwards and take laxatives, all i know is that i can't and won't leave it in there.

I just want everyone to leave me alone at the moment, totally alone, the only time i see my friends is when it gives me an opportunity to say I'm eating out with them. My music is all i need, that distraction from my delusional head. No one here knows me at all, and they don't want to take the time to. I heard that Bryan and Frances said i had no life left in me. I asked them about it and they just laughed, they don't care, i felt like crying.