Friday, Sept. 27, 2002/11:45 am

Missing my past, damaging my future.

I don't think i even understand what i'm doing anymore. I shut myself in my room all day, locked inside my head, frozen tears are kept stationary inside. I'm almost motionless, i have no will to do anything, to talk to anyone. Somewhere i took a wrong turning, i don't know when or where it was. Maybe i was always destined to walk down this path of self corruption. I think back to the days when everything was okay. I miss it. I miss being able to eat a meal and not think of how many calories are in it or how i can throw it up afterwards. I miss having normal conversations with people, where i actually know what we are talking about and my mind isn't off somewhere else. i even miss the way they used to make fun of me and laugh at me. It would be better than this.

I've only been to school for two lessons this week. I came home on Monday because i felt sick and faint, and havn't been back since. The week before i skived off on the Thursday and Friday too, I can't cope with it. Theres so much work, so much work i havn't done, that i keep putting off. It's mounted up into a huge pile and it's still growing. I don't know how i'm going to get through this year. My future is resting in my hands and the only thing i can think to do is screw it up and chuck it in the bin.

Throwing up my dignity, bleeding out my words. Hiding scars under jumpers, Hiding screams under smiles.