Saturday, Sept. 28, 2002/9:20 pm

fat cow

It feels like my insides have been ripped out. My bloated stomach is in knots, my chest is in agony, it hurts to talk because my throats so sore, my hands are covered with bruises. My whole body aches with sickness.

I've been overeating, binging and purging alot other the last two days especially. I'm revolting, continuing to fill myself with food, then purging and finding things i can't even remember eating. I've gained quite alot of weight, i'm so fat. Last week it scared me so much to eat anything, now i just can't stop. Laxative after laxative...these little biege tablets are becoming one more of my obsessions. I know i have to stop this now, tonight will have to be the last night of my binging for a while. The amount of blood i'm continuing to throw up is really bad, and i read the other day that at the most you throw up only half the calories of what you eat in a purge. Maybe i'm thick for not knowing that anyway, but it freaked me out. So, this is definatley it, i will stop. Tommorrow i will fast, and that's a promise.

No one is here tonight, my family will all be back tommorrow. I can do what i like, might see if i can find any alchohol. I want to block everything out with vodka.