Sunday, Oct. 06, 2002/11:19 pm

always trapped

My friends keep noticing i've lost weight, apparently they've been talking about it. This sort of bothers me though, i want to yell at them all what i weighed last week. I've put on over half a stone in about a week to two weeks, no one saw me last week because i didnt go to school so they didnt see me at my lowest. 99 pounds, why is is always 99? it seems i get there then everything automatically falls downhill. I need to get past it. My life goes round in such repetitive circles, routine after routine. Everything has spun out of control, i'm swamped in this tidalwave, ready to collapse. I've given up trying to understand.

Work again today, i wore the long sleeved top under my uniform and it was sucsessful! I just told them that i was cold and they didn't seem to mind. I'm so glad winter is coming up, no more heat and suffering under hot layers. I had a good conversation with Cassie earlier, it was nice. Our friendship goes through phases, at times we don't even interact, and she leaves me lingering over the question whether i crave rejection. Sometimes i feel she dosn't care at all, and sometimes she seems the only person i can turn to. I don't know, it's odd.

Latley, I've been awake in the middle of the night, writing lots of poetry, just random words written across the page. My thoughts in scribbles. I didn't know if i'd be able to make a decent entry, that actually made sence because my minds in such a blur.

Someone asked me in my guestbook where i see myself in 10 years time. Well, i just don't know but i can't see it being good. It's quite tragic i know, sentencing myself to a lifetime of this. Every direction just seems shut, doors boarded up with blanks of nailed wood, windows sealed over. I can't find my way through the dark, i'm in a maze of tunnels that lead to dead ends. My life is going nowhere, i clutch desperatley onto any determination i have left, and it dissolves into dust.