Monday, Oct. 07, 2002/9:31 pm

i don't want this

Everything's exploded.

I've been backed into a corner, my worlds closing in on me. This time i don't know if i'll be able to keep going, i don't think they're going to let me get away.

I can't breathe, i feel sick, it's all been pushed on me, i don't know what i want but it definatley isn't this. I'll try my best to describe what just happened as simply as i can.

I was in the bath, ridding myself of dinner, with my music loud and the water running. I had just had an argument with my mum about some toothbrushes i'd been using for purging, she just apparently stumbled apon them whilst looking for socks in my drawer, of corse i denied it but she knew what they'd been used for. The next minute everything just turned upside down. A doctor turned up at my house, i didnt know she was coming, Mum suddenly came and knocked on the door and told me she was here. I just couldn't believe it, it's so overwhelming, i'm so alone, i wanted a blade right there in the bathroom so i could slash my wrists and never have to come out.

After about 15 minutes I surfaced, stormed around the house for a bit, choking on tears and anger. The doctor was still waiting, i had to go downstairs and talk to her. I sat as far away from her as i could, to most of her questions i just answered "i don't want to talk about it" and "i don't need help, i'm fine" or just shrugged my shoulders. She asked me about eating, school, friends, my Dad, Mum, Brother, my diabetes. I was very stubborn and didn't confess or tell her anything. I just stared at the wall and the picture of me and my brother when we were younger, looking so pure and untainted. After about 10 pointless minutes she came over right next to me, i turned away from her whilst she went on about how they can get help for me and how life dosn't have to be like this. Eventually i asked if i could go and she let me. I went up to my room and just sat there in the silence, absorbing the events, trying to understand, trying to make sence, and crying.

My existance is being threatened ,they are trying to cut these thin strings that are tying me to a purpose. I don't know what to do, i'm so lost, sinking through the marsh, nothing seems real. If these things are taken away from me i'll have nothing. I won't survive. I want to give up, shutdown and blackout. I wish they would just leave me. i don't even know what to say anymore.