Tuesday, Oct. 08, 2002/9:31 pm

The light would strain my eyes,

It looks like this will all be forced on me. They are trying to set up a councilor and if i refuse to go they will come here, so i have no choice. I feel so small, they are all looking down at me and everything's going so fast.

This shouldn't be happening. I don't even think i've gotten bad enough yet, they shouldn't waste councilling on someone so unimportant. I just feel so unworthy of their time and energy. There are special people who really need help out there, and yet they are wasting a case on me. I'm just a fraud. I did this to myself, it's my fault things have turned out like this, and i don't deserve to be pulled out of any of it. I'm still falling, the minute i hit the floor is the moment when i have to face up to reality. I don't want that, im so terrified of being genuinly happy, i'd feel so guilty if i lived a good life. I should have to feel even worse than this, sadness and pain are suited just for a person like me.

If i weighed less maybe i'll feel less of an imposter, maybe then i'll be able to accept i really do have an acceptable problem. Things might be clearer, i don't know i just know i need to get rid of the fat. Of corse it's extremeley hard to avoid my mum and all these pressuring doctors but if they are trying to make me recover, i want to lose weight first. I'll just skip meals and lie, the usual, except this time i don't think i care if she knows what i'm doing. i won't confess, she can't stop me. I havn't eaten today, said i had dinner out. I've got to try my hardest not to binge. They are trying to take my control away, i've got to get some of it back. I can't ever see a time when i'll feel okay, and be alright with feeling like that. When i'll be able to eat 3 meals a day and keep it down, not have to worry about things hidden in my room or if anyone will hear me purging. I just can't see it, and i don't think i want to. This is me now, these things are part of me, if i didnt have these punishments i think i'd hate myself even more.

I bought vogue for some inspiration earlier, along with a new sharp pack of razor blades. I always buy the proper blades, the expensive ones because they cut much deeper that the disposable ones you can buy for 17p or something. I'll take them to school tommorrow, i can't cope at all there at the moment. It's not good, i am so far behind with my coursework. I'm swamped in teachers asking me where all this work is that i havn't even started. i dont know what the hell i'm planning to do. My mind just switches off and sensible answers drift away when i try working. Other than that i'm just pissed off with everyone, its not there fault but i just can't help snapping at them and being aggressive. I just want them as far away as possible. Everything they say irritates me because they expect me to smile and laugh, if i don't they go on at me, asking what my problem is and saying i'm miserable and boring. They don't know i try my hardest to keep up my act for them. They are just so oblivious to whats going on in my head.

It's all so mixed up and confusing, i can't figure out what i'm doing and why, but i still continue, i don't know what i'm looking for anymore. I suppose i just can't accept things, maybe i don't want to. My unhappiness is my solace, a strange comfort, a dependency that's always there to crawl up with. I'm so tired and vunerable, lying on the floor, empty. An atmosphere of gloom surrounding me. The light is on the other side, but facing it would blind me.